Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Self Help

For some diabolical reason, coaches feel like they need to be leaders.  Pah!  I don't get it.  But despite my lack of understanding, I still have to deal with this fact on a daily basis.  Or more accurately, my over-loaded bookshelves have to deal with this fact on a daily basis.

Mr. Coach has an addiction.  No, not like Brett Favre's.  I wish.  He has an addiction to Self Help Literature.  It is pretty serious at this point.  I think we qualify for an episode of Hoarders and Intervention all at once.  Which would be pretty cool, because it would mean only one film crew in the house instead of two.  As I type, I can turn and see the following titles on our shelves:

Flight Of The Buffalo
You Are A Contender!
Winning Every Day
The Daily Drucker
Teach Like A Champion
Who Hid My Cheese?
Play Their Hearts Out
How Good Do You Want To Be?
For Men Only:  A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.

Should I turn my attention to his side of the bed, in the closet, or in the pockets of his man bag, I would see several more:

The No Asshole Rule
Essential Mental Toughness for 21st Century Football
(Not any of the non-essential Mental Toughness, though.  Non-essential Mental Toughness is for sissies.)
How Lucky You Can Be

My point? The sheer volume of his collection should indicate that NONE of these volumes has helped, inspired or conveyed any effectiveness yet!!  I think there is a person sitting in a book factory just pumping these suckers out en masse.  Just slightly changing the cover or the author.  And these coaches just keep coming back for more!

The scrumptious part of all of this is that the books usually have mnemonic devices to help a coach apply strategies in his daily life.  Y'know, like "Kings Play Chess On Fine Grain Sand" helps you remember the taxonomy classing system:  Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species.  But that is just child's play of course, compared to the mnemonic devices of the world of coaching self help.  For instance, I am sure that the tome titled, "Essential Mental Toughness for 21st Century Football," has a mnemonic device that goes something like this
  • T is for Toughness. Duh.
  • O is for Oh boy are you tough!
  • U is for U are super tough.
  • G is for Go be tough. er.
  • H is for Hey, tough guy.
  • N is for Nobody is as tough as you are.
  • E is for Everybody thinks you're tough.  Man.
  • S is for Sure are tough, you are.
  • S is for Super tough, I mean.

I have a brain chock-full of book ideas for Coaches and Coaches' Wives.  They'd be best sellers.  Trust me.


Cleaning, Running Errands, Attending to Needs and Planning Meals....Have You "C.R.A.P."ped Yourself Today?

The Trilogy:
The Hunger Games:  What Would Happen if Mrs. Coach Took a Week Off
A Dumpster Catching Fire:  What Would Happen if Mrs. Coach Took 2 Weeks Off
Mocking Jay:  A 'How To' Manual:  Making Fun of Others

"What The Hell Were You Thinking?" and other Essential Marital Conversation Starters. (None of the Non-essential ones, though.  Those are for sissies.)


"Head of a Pin"  Places Where Parents Can Store Their Entire Football Coaching Knowledge.


Rapidly Cycling BiPolarism in Coaches and How To Heavily Medicate For Best Results.


"Gum Is Not Dinner" A Coach's Diet During Football Season.

So, there's a start.  However, I can't promise they'll be on Amazon anytime soon.  I have a lot of other things to do:  I haven't even CRAPped myself yet today!

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