Sunday, February 3, 2013


The week before the Super Bowl is pretty dreary around here.  A dark pall falls over the house.  Why?  Because everyone has suddenly realized that this is the last game.  The last football game until like, AUGUST!!  Six whole freaking months!!  There are marriages that haven't even lasted that long, for criminy sakes!  Sure.  There is basketball and baseball to whet the appetite we have for sports.  But, let us be painfully honest.  They don't hold a candle to football.

The agony is compounded by the sheer volume of games we ignored.  It is so sad to remember that we had MASSIVE amounts of football.  We were ROLLING in it for 5 months!  We had games on Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays.  And on Sundays.  Sundays!!  We had an orgy of games on Sundays.  Three channels.  Red Zone channel.  In-depth analysis afterward.  Just like shaking bottles of Krystal all over in a rapper-esque fashion.  Not even drinking it!  Using it to water the plants!  Oh, the gluttony.  Sloth.  Greed.  Dopey.  Sneezy.  Doc.  It was horrible how little we appreciated it.

And now it is almost gone.  GONE.  It happens every dang year.  But we are powerless to accept it.  On Monday, I know I will find Mr. Coach sitting on the couch, flipping through reruns of a playoff game from 1998.  Or dejectedly watching some "Best" feature like, "Best 10 Tacklers of All Time," or "Best Red Zone Defenses of the Mid-90's."  Or the Lingerie Bowl.  It's just sickening.  Like a cocaine addict who has run out of the good stuff and is snorting baking soda or baby powder.  Sad.

The regret and inconsolable weeping begins.  Sound ridiculous?  It would appear that way, if you're not a "football person."  Let me help you.  It's akin to many other situations we have lived in this lifetime, so if perhaps, you're not tuned into the minutiae of football life, I will try to draw some parallels for you.

Short, catchy titles are kinda my "thing."  So, without further ado, I bring you:


High School Girlfriends/Boyfriends (*or perceived Girlfriend/Boyfriend potential)
Ability to Eat A Whole Pizza and Actually Lose 3 Pounds
Friends Who Will Tell You How Cool You Are
Ways to Say "Cool!" and Not Sound Completely Ludicrous
Friends Who Will Get In A Fist Fight In A Bar For You/Your Honor
Clothing Options (*especially those with "midriff" as an adjective)
Hours Devoted to Uninterrupted Sleep
Grasp of Current Pop Culture
Acquaintances With Whom You Can Share MacGyver References
Capacity to Rebound After A Night of Excessive Adult Beverage Intake

Happy Super Bowl Week, Everyone!  I hope it is soooo cool!

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