Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Advice, Advice Baby

To the extreme, I rock the blog like a vandal....

Advice.  It is the infectious disease we all love to GIVE but not to RECEIVE.  And for some reason the whole of society likes, no LOVES, to give a football coach advice.  It may be couched in terms like "tips" or "strategies" or "this is how I did it back when I played at Meatball State University" but it all boils down to pure, unsolicited advice.

The most scrumptious part of all of the advice that a coach gets, is the fact that his entire family must also suffer.  Because "people" (and I use that term lightly) have absolutely no reticence when it comes to stopping at our table at a restaurant and hashing out defenses while Mr. Coach is eating with his family.  They will stop you mid-aisle in the grocery store and draw up a play with some macaroni and licorice whips on the floor while your kids wait patiently in the little car-shaped shopping cart.  They will discuss the pros and cons of the USFL drafts from 1985 vs. 1986 with you during your kids' Christmas Pageant.  They will utter such Shakespearean gems as:  "Tough loss last night, huh coach?" while you are pumping gas with a carload of hot kids and an angry dog.  Or an angry kids and a hot dog.  Doesn't matter.

Point is, I wonder if these "people" know how perilously close they are to being verbally maimed by Yours Truly.  Do they know we don't care about the "end around" that they ran in the '59 state playoffs?  Do they know that I would like to crack block them into the cereal shelf at the grocery store?  Are they aware that the reason the USFL died was because everyone found it substandard and irrelevant, much like their advice?  Is yelling "Shut your pie hole!" appropriate at a Christmas Pageant?  Is it a bad parental influence to mutter something about "gas" and "matches" and "igniting the guy daddy is talking with" to your hot children and an angry dog?   I wish I had the answers.

But I don't.  However, I think it is a "if-ya-can't-beat-'em-join-'em" situation.  So I have some advice for some of the people in my football life that haven't asked me for it, but I am going to give it anyway.  And I am going to dispense it in the same way a football coach gets his:  randomly and without purpose, filter or solicitation.  Here goes:

Male Parent with Moobs (Man + Boobs = Moobs) claiming to be a former gridiron superstar. 
"It's called a 'serving size.'  You should acquaint yourself with it."

40 year-old Female Parent acting 18.
"You should stop trying to fit into your daughter's clothing.  Oh, and you're also not a cheerleader anymore."

Fan Wearing 6 Separate Items of Collegiately-Sponsored Gear.
"Excuse me.  I think your college bookstore just threw up on you.  Wait?  You didn't even GO to college?  Well, now I am just confused.  Where's your NASCAR jacket?"

Junior High kids in the bleachers.
"I'd really appreciate it if you would shut up and sit down.  Or I will stab you with a blunt instrument.  Wait, I take that back.  That doesn't seem harsh enough.   I mean, I will drive my car over your cell phone."

52 year-old Football Message Board Booger Eater who goes by "GameTyme" or some other stupid user name:  "You should stop bad-mouthing my husband online and move out of your mom's basement."

Dance Team.
"Honey, the police would even give a ticket at Mardi Gras for what you are wearing.  Or not wearing."

Gosh.  I feel better.  Now if I could just find that gas station guy and a book of matches, this would be a GREAT day!

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