With the Super Bowl looming ahead of us, I think it is time to let you in on one of my favorite pastimes. It doesn't have a really catchy name, but if it did, it would be: "Stuff To Get Guys Chattering Like Little Girls," or "Feeding Seagulls Alka Seltzer to See What Happens." But, since those are either, a) not catchy, or b) already taken, we will just call it "Conversation Starters."
As a background (bear with me if you already know this), is is a fact of nature, that when guys get in a room, especially "sporty/coachy" guys, they try to act all "cool" and "laid back." This is especially true when "sporty/coachy" guys have gathered to watch a "sporty" event, like the Super Bowl. And, lest you call down the wrath of god, you as a female member of the species are not to comment or suggest or hint that you may know anything about the game of football, match-ups or position weaknesses. Therefore, it is particularly fun to goad them into conversations and steer them towards topics, of which they are so passionate, that they lose their general facade of "cool-laid-backness" and just freak out. Here are my Top Ten Stupid Conversation Starters. Sit back and enjoy.
1. Ask people to make bets on how long Jerry Sandusky will last in prison.
Upend an entire bowl of guacamole or other available dip on anyone claiming the charges are "alleged" or he is "innocent until proven guilty." Those guests need to leave your party. Immediately.
2. Do you think a player wearing #49 has ever caught a pass for 49 yards on the 49 yard-line for the 49-ers?
This is a beautiful one, because I don't even know if there is an answer. But, it is absolute comedy to watch them discuss it.
3. *Insert anything here* Tim Tebow?
Seriously. You could say, "Blah blah blah Tim Tebow Blah blah blah?" and they would go all manic on you. And I do mean, just say the word, "Blah." It doesn't even have to be real words. I'm serious.
4. If the Cleveland Browns are really the Baltimore Ravens, and the Indianapolis Colts are really the Baltimore Colts, and the Houston Oilers are really the Tennessee Titans, and the Houston Texans are playing where the Oilers used to play are there actually two teams playing in Cleveland, Baltimore and Houston?
If they look at you pitifully, like you just don't get it, just smile and say something about the fact that they need to explain why none of the football teams in New York actually play in the state of New York.
They'll give it a shot, but I guarantee they will miss at least one. (Penn State, Illinois, Wisconsin, Iowa, Nebraska, Michigan, Michigan State, Indiana, Minnesota, Northwestern, Ohio State and Purdue.)
6. What does GSH stand for on the Chicago Bears uniforms?
They'll get the 'G' and the 'H'.......but if anyone can tell you that the "S" stands for "Stanley," you have to give major extra points on that one.
XLIX. Bonus follow up....Where will it be played? Glendale, Arizona.
8. Do you think there has ever been an NFL backfield with players from 3 different colleges with a Lion, a Tiger and a Bear for mascots?
9. What's a Saluki?
Now, most rabid fans will know that a 'Saluki' is a breed of dog, for which the mascot at the University of Southern Illinois is named. But, after they get pretty confident about their answer, throw in something like, "Which college has the "Purple Cow" as its mascot?" and watch them poo themselves. (Williams Liberal Arts College, Massachusetts.)
10. Which NFL teams do not have cheerleading squads?
It is highly likely they will not be able to name a single one. They will know that the Dallas Cowboys do have cheerleaders, however. The teams without cheerleading squads are the Pittsburgh Steelers, Cleveland Browns, Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, New York Giants, and Detroit Lions. God Bless 'em.