eleven vs. one: My Baloney Has A First Name.....

I love football. I truly and deeply do. I could not exist without it. Because, without it, I would have missed so much ridiculous humor in my life that it wouldn't be worth living.

Case in point: the world of football nicknames. I don't mean team names. No, no. I mean the names that football players bestow upon one another because something like "John" is just a sadly pitiful attempt by a boy's mother at naming him and it needs improving. And these football players get so involved in their nicknames, that they forget the orginal name of the human to which they are referring.

Case Study:
I told Mr. Coach the other night that,

"I got a nice e-mail from Mike's wife."

He says, "Mike? Mike Who?"

I say, "You know. Mike. Mike from the U of I. You played football with him."

Blank stare.

ME: "Mike. Mike from Colorado."

Blank stare.

ME: "The coach. Mike."

Blank stare.

ME: "You know. Married to Michele."

Blank stare.

ME: "They have two kids. Tall guy. Likes to tell funny stories."

Blank stare.

ME: "You know! Mala."

Mr. Coach: OH!!! Yeah! How is he?!?!?

ME: "Sweet Jesus, deliver me."

The best part about nicknames, is that they involve a very complicated synthesis. It is like raising a very rare panda from birth (at least I think it is...is panda rearing difficult?). Or perhaps it is like keeping an orchid alive. You can't just set two random pandas up on a date from their eharmony.com profiles or just pitch the seeds in the ground and hope you get results. No. no. These things are to be cultured. Let me give you some actual, real-life examples. I'd say that the names have been changed to protect the innocent. But there are no innocent people involved, so that works out pretty good. And I would also warn you, that if you start reading this assuming these progressions are going to make sense, you will be royally disappointed.

Original, Given Name: Tee -------> T-Bone ------> Bones!

Original, Given Name: Floyd --------> Floyd's of London --------> London!

Original, Given Name: Strandley -----> Strands -----> Strand Monster------> Monster!

Original, Given Name: Doug --------> Precious --------> Preshie -------> Preshie Poo!

Original, Given Name: Fischer-------> Fisher -------> Pescador -----> Pesce!

Original, Given Name: David ----------> Pokey ---------> Pocahantas!
*Never mind that this is the wrong gender. And I am pretty sure she never played football.

Original, Given Name: _________ (insert any player's name) --------->_________(insert name of HS girlfriend or college girlfriend that is no longer a girlfriend here)
*Repeat often and at high volume in presence of current girlfriend or wife.

Original, Given Name: _________ (insert any player's name)--------> Add the suffix "-nation."
As in, "The Mills-Nation!"

And my all-time, mostest favoritest bestest one:

Original, Given Name: Campbell---->

Campbell's Soup----->