Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Coach's Crush

It is tragic enough that a wife competes with her husband's football team for attention.  But there is something far more dangerous, far more tantalizing for a football coach.  It is something that breasts and sex will never usurp:  A Successful/Superstar Coach.

The struggling football coach is always looking to gain some additional knowledge and insight, and therefore will attend coaching "clinics."  (You know, like Methadone Clinics, Betty Ford Clinic.  You get the picture.)  Undoubtedly, there will always be a keynote speaker of some esteem.  It is usually a local college coach or a highly-touted high school coach from California or Texas or some other uber-football state.  These kinds of people alone are enough to get a coach all giddy.  As if, by some unexplained natural phenomenon, mere proximity to a good coach will actually improve your own abilities.  (NEWSFLASH:  It won't.)

But then there is SuperCoach-o-Rama.  This guy is usually some NFL guy who is temporarily out of work (translation: fired) or is so far down on a coaching roster that he has some title like "hydration dispersement."  (Dude, you're a waterboy.)  But THESE guys get a coach excited.  Eccstatic.  Euphoric.  "AN ACTUAL NFL GUY!", they think inside that head of theirs.  And they try to get closer and maybe get some kind of football tan in his aura.  And they listen and scribble and ask questions nervously.

"Will you go to Prom with me?"

"This is a football clinic."

"Sorry.  I just got nervous there.  Sorry."

Sadly, there just is so very little in common between a struggling high school football coach and a NFL mastermind.  They can't really talk about players:

NFL Guy:  "My quarterback is Tom Brady."
Mr. Coach:  "Not sure who mine is.  It is a crapshoot every Thursday night to see who is eligible."

They can't really talk strategy:

NFL Guy:  "My O-line averages 320 pounds so we run the ball alot.  Would you like to see one of our plays?'
Mr. Coach:  "What a co-inky-dink!  That's what our fans average!  But, we usually pass the ball and pray to Jesus that it lands somewhere in bounds and down-field."

So, I thought it may be helpful to have a little cheat sheet of items and topics of conversation in which the two parties may possess a common interest:

1.  Liking Pudding
2.  The Number 11
3.  Springtime
4.  Chewbacca Dialogue
5.  Aluminum Cans
6.  Resealable Packages of Bacon

Feel free to add items of your own in the comments section.  I am working on a deal with the Cliff's Notes people and we just might get enough for a book.

I guarantee a coach will like the book more than pudding.

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