Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Stickin' It To 'Em

Football season is fast approaching.  And how do I know this?  Is it the way that Mr. Coach is all nervous and sweaty?  Is it because he doesn't use words anymore, just grunts?  NO.  I know it because our mailbox is brimming with publications that are specifically targeted for the football coach.  Uniform catalogues.  Weightlifting catalogues.  Eastbay catalogues.  Football software, DVD's, books.....the list goes on and on.

Specific parts of these catalogues absolutely defy reason and reality.  And I love to read them and laugh to the point of near-incontinence.  Sometimes beyond "near."  Anyway. 

One of my fave items is the famed "Helmet Sticker."  If you have watched football for any longer than about 15 seconds, you are familiar with this little gem.  Even college teams love them.  The basic idea is thus:  You do something of note in a game, you get a helmet sticker to stick on your helmet as a reward.  Kind of like when you didn't wet the bed when you were a kid and got to put a gold star on a chart in the morning.  It is meant to be a confidence and morale booster, as well as a way to scare the other teams into submission.

Other team guy #1:  "Did you see that guy?!?  He had, like, totally, a hundo stickers on his helmet, bro!!
Other team guy #2:  "Dude.  I think some of them were some of those happy face ones they hand out at WalMart.  Take a chillaxative, man."

Here are my favorites, in no particular order:

The "I Killed A Guy" Sticker
Not sure what this one is saying, but it would appear that we are encouraging tackling that involves leading with the helmet at a high rate of speed in the open field.  Way to go, defense!  Next time we'll get coffin stickers!

The "I Failed Math" Sticker
"Coach, I gave 101% from the 51st yard line, but the guy did a complete 361 degree turn and got me, man!!"

The "Is Anyone Else Hungry?" Sticker
Yeah, I know a "Pancake" is a kind of block where an offensive lineman basically body slams a defensive lineman into the turf in a show of Cro-Magnon dominance.  But the sticker makes it look like half our guys are jonesin' for a trip to the Waffle House after the game!!  Seriously, people, did you need the syrup and butter on the sticker?

The "Who Invited Batman?" Sticker
We have reverted to comic book onomatopoeia and are now spelling out the sounds of football tackle words.  How mature.  I've thought about getting some of these stickers for my hat at the games:  "Hiss.  Eww! Ouch! You're Sucking My Will To Live!"  That last one needs some work...

The "Sticks and Stones" Sticker
This one is just priceless.  I pray that this isn't really used to celebrate broken bones in an opponent.  But I can see the mental advantage that it may create.

Or, maybe it is just code for "Didn't Wet The Bed Last Night."

You never know what will motivate these kids.

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