Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Hitting The Books

We have books.

Seriously, we have BOOKS. Football books. About ten thousand of them.

And, you know, on the surface, I can't seriously fault my husband for getting these books. I mean, it is a means of improving the team. It is a way to learn more about his passion; his life; his every breath... There certainly are many volumes of scrapbooking books littering this house that he could use as "You-Got-Stuff-Too" ammunition if we were to ever have a discussion about said books.

But, we're going deeper than "the surface," here. We are going to delve to depths with which you may be uncomfortable. But, delve we will. Because there is no other way to describe these books than "Ridiculous." Yeah, that's a capital "R."

First off, notice that there are relatively simple, helpful books:

Thought-provoking. Insightful. Simple. An entire offense in one book. Worth the moolah. But then we gotta start gettin' a little nuts. We go from simple to just a little more complex:

"Defending the Wing-T With the 4-3 Blah Blah Eagle Front"

Why? I mean, shouldn't "defense" just be "defense?" Do we have to get technical, here? I use ketchup on a lot of foods, I don't need a cookbook for each one: "Ketchup on Hot Dogs," "Using Ketchup on Hamburger," "Condiments Unleashed: Ketchup." Sheesh!

Then, there are the books that I could write:

"Improving Kickoff Hang Time and Distance"

Really? Are you serious? Here's the only line in the book: "Put more leg into it." Thank you.

And then, we move on to a DVD series I call: "If you are stupid enough to spend $40 plus shipping on this, you deserve it." But they call it:

"The Perfect Armband Template for Offense."

ARMBANDS!?!? A WHOLE DVD OF IT?!?! You gotta be kidding me, people. Is there a sewing class in there....?
I could keep going. I think I will.

There is also an entire set of books from a company that makes shoes and apparel and used to have Mike Vick as a spokesperson but now they don't and may or may not be headquartered in Oregon that (wait for it......) simply types up transcripts of football clinics, slaps a famous coach on the cover and sells it for (wait for it....) $30!! And you will never guess who buys every single freakin' one. I will give you one hint. I am married to him.

There are even sections in these books where the transcriptionist/scribe/prison inmate forced to sit through the clinic couldn't hear the speaker, so the book just says "Inaudible statement" which is scribe-speak for "I couldn't hear the guy." But you're payin' $30 bucks for it!!
The library at the Vatican does not have as many books as we do. Seriously.
And the Vatican Football Team has won just about as many games. Seriously.

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