Monday, April 6, 2015

Time to Engage!

I live and view my life through the distorted lenses of pharmaceuticals, children and football.  (To clarify, I dispense drugs, not take them, although sometimes I am sorely tempted...)  So, it is through those lenses that I have my greatest epiphanies.  When I was watching The Incredibles with my children, I was struck by the following scene with the gale-force realization:  Mr. Coach needs to ENGAGE!

Watch, please.  Then we discuss.

First of all, replace Mr. Incredible with Mr. Coach.  And the newspaper should be replaced with a game film.

Secondiflily, replace all that stuff about "Gazer Beam" with something like:

"Heavens to Mergatroid!  Holy escrement!  The *insert random opponent name here* is going to run a spread offense out of a no-huddle!  I have GOT to call *insert name of defensive coordinator here*!!!!"

Thirdly, add the following insults to the sweet little children's banter:
"You're an idiot!"
"You're a stupid idiot." 
"You're a stupid, dumb idiot." 
"I wish you were never born!"
"Mom said it's Dad's fault, genetically speaking, that you're not a boy!" 
Fourth-a-mundo, instead of:  "How was school today?"....
"Don't make me put down this cigarette and 64 oz. gas station pop to cut up your food, you little cretins!" 
After all of those replacements, this video is pretty much how our nights go.  There could be a grease fire on the stove, several children that are not ours running through the house, a random sighting of our stupid canine escaping out the open front door and the phone ringing (it's a coach or the newspaper or a player...).  All the while, Mr. Coach is blissfully unaware that ANY of it is transpiring.  Because, of course, he is immersed in football.  Or self-pity.  Or a hubris attack.

I dream of yelling,  "COACHER!  IT IS TIME TO ENGAGE!!!!"  And then I dream that he will pick up the table and shake the children dangling from the legs underneath.  But, in reality our lives are NOTHING like a cartoon. 

The last time I was vehemently "discussing" with him that he "engage,"  he said absentmindedly:  "Uh huh.  Just a sec, honey.  I need to watch this video of myself being interviewed by iFiberOne TV about the prospects for the upcoming season."  (TRUE STORY ALERT!  NO EMBELLISHMENT!  GOD'S HONEST TRUTH!)  Sadly, the degree of truth makes it no less agonizing.  Thank goodness the collective viewing audience of iFiberOne TV is about 6 people.  Total.

I eventually snap back to reality and realize that the first, last and only engagement I will ever get was the day I got a ring from Mr. Coach. But, I still can dream.  Maybe I can get at least one of my kids to be invisible.

No comments:

Post a Comment