Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Click Clack

You know that inherent need we women all have?  The one where we need to right all wrongs against us, no matter how infinitesimal, how petty, how ancient in history?  The dream we have where, all those men, boys and pretty girls that shunned us in our youth because of our gangly limbs, our braces, our awkwardness are lined up.  And we (in slow motion, of course) step out of a limo, in a little black dress, and our 3-inch heels hit the pavement...CLICK CLACK.  And they just stand there, mouths agape, thinking, "Damn.  She grew up.  What the hell was I thinking!?!?!"  You know that dream, right?  You understand that need to shock others?  To be revered?  To punish?  To require atonement?  To AWE?  Right? 

OK.  Good.

'Cause I've got another way to do it.  And it saves thousands of dollars you would have otherwise spent on a limo, a black dress and expensive slow-motion, stop-action filmography.


It is knowledge of a vernacular that NO man will ever, ever, ever assume you know.  They'd bet thousands that you've never heard of these terms, much less be able to explain them.  And when you drop some of this bad ass knowledge on them, they will be standing there, mouths agape, in awe of your grasp of this part of football.  100% guarantee it.  And all it requires is that you can count to 9 and know the first 3 letters of the alphabet.  Cheerleaders need not read any further.

The term "technique" is used in football differently than other sports.  Coaches and scouts refer to a "one technique" or a "three technique."  These terms are considered exclusive man territory.  You will now be shown how to plant your flag in man territory after a hostile take over figuratively involving serfs and Ewoks armed with nothing more than spears and painted faces.


This is simple but it is imperative.  Know it.  Learn it.  Conquer.

A basic offensive line set looks like this:


MNEMONIC DEVICE ALERT!:   Every Truly Good Coach Gives The Wife Roses

(Note that this is the LINE.  This does not represent the entirety of the offense.  All of those other positions with names like "Favre" and "Wilson" and "Montana" and "Rice" on their jerseys are not on this diagram.  They are svelte.  They are sinewy.  The people on THIS diagram are mushy.  Obese.  Have man boobs.)

Ok.  Got it?

Ok.  See those little holes between the linemen?  These are called GAPS.  Learn it.  GAPS.

So now we have LINEMEN and GAPS.

TE ----- GAP ------ T ----- GAP------G-------GAP------C------GAP-----G----GAP------T------GAP------WR

Football people assign letters to the GAPS starting from the center, working outward:

TE ----- C GAP ------ T ----- B GAP------G-------A GAP------C------ A GAP-----G---- B GAP------T------------WR

Ok.  Got it?

So now, we have LINEMEN and LETTERED GAPS.  Are you with me?  Yep?

If you have grasped this so far, you are home free.  Now it gets fun.  Like in the Sound of Music, when she teaches them "doe-ray-me-far-sew-la-tea-da" and then she sings....."Now you know the notes to sing.  You can sing most anything!!"

Sing it, Maria!

I digress.

Anyhoo. YOU KNOW THE NOTES!  NOW SING!  Imagine you are a defensive lineman (or linewoman) and you line up across from one of these mushy, obese people with moobs. 

Simple Theorem:  WHERE you line up is the NUMBER TECHNIQUE you're using. 

  • If you line up right across from the center, that's a zero technique.
  • In either A GAP:  1 technique.
  • Right across from either GUARD: 2 technique.
  • In either B GAP:  3 technique.
  • Right across from either TACKLE:  4 technique.
  • In the C GAP: 5 technique.
  • Right across from the TIGHT END:  6 technique.
  • Across from the TIGHT END on his inside (=closest to the ball, =closest to the CENTER) shoulder: 7 technique
  • Across from the TIGHT END outside his outside (=away from the ball, CENTER) shoulder:  8 technique.
  • Across from the TIGHT END on his outside (=away from the ball, CENTER) shoulder:  9 technique.

Simple, right?!?!  OK.  Remember that techniques zero, six, seven, eight and nine are seldom talked about and you can just learn those and file them away for later.  They won't be crucial in your Click Clack Moment. 

If you just learn the holy poop out of techniques one through five, you will be a freakin' rock star. 

Or just learn to recognize any ONE of the techniques and then just work it into casual conversation when you see it on TV.  I am telling you, they will drop 3 things:  What they were doing, their beer cup and their jaws......guaranteed.

Click.  Clack.

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