Modern technology is wonderful and enriches and de-complicates (I just invented another word!) our hectic lives. I love modern technology. I embrace modern technology. But, when it comes to my husband's cell phone. I detest modern technology. Why? Because a coach has so many reasons, real and imagined, to be on a cell phone it is ridiculous. His activities include, but are not limited to:
- Calling other coaches to seek sympathy for a loss/ego plumping after a win.
- Calling other coaches to discuss strategy.
- Calling his friends with whom he played football in college to discuss strategy.
- Texting all of the above individuals.
- Sharing jokes.
- Exchanging photos of god-knows-what, that to the recipient and sender are hilariously comical, but to the rest of the human race are essentially, well, stupid. (And that is sugar-coating it.)
"Coach, Coachie, Coacher, blah blah blah, blahdie blah blah, 6 yards blah, 3 technique blahdie blahdie blah, blah our ass kicked blah blah blah. Later, man."And they go on FOREVER. Ice ages have come and gone in the time it takes to finish one of these calls.
"Coachie, Coach, Coacher, you wanna go get a dodo burger in about an hour?....Oh, those birds have gone extinct since I started this phone call? Damn."
Plus, on most occasions, the call is being made to a person that he just saw 15 minutes ago.
"Hey, Coacher, Coachie, Coach, I just drove by your house!.....Yeah. It seems to be located on the exact same street as it was yesterday!....I know!! Crazy, huh?!?"
Furthermore, they always occur in the greatest concentration on Saturday and Sunday, when a coach actually gets to spend a modicum of time with his family before the beast we call "football" takes him back on Sunday afternoon.
The Suppository-Shaped Cell Phone
*These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. Reuse not recommended. Data plan not required. See your healthcare professional if itching or burning persists.
Mark my made-up words, this is a big day in the world of inventiosity.