Male-eontologist

pa⋅le⋅on⋅tol⋅o⋅gy: The science of the forms of life existing in former geologic periods, as represented by their fossils.

ma⋅le⋅eon⋅tol⋅o⋅gy: The science and study of remnants and belongings cast off by coaches and the subsequent conclusions that can be drawn about their lifestyle, mood, and state of mind.

Yeah. I am a male-eontologist. It isn't something I brag about often, but it is a skill that all coaches' wives possess. We are actually able to read and dissect the moods of our spouses strictly based on what they leave in their wake.

The house could be quasi-clean and within 10 minutes of Mr. Coach blowing through the door, it looks like a tsunami has hit. Except in my case the tsunami "waves" are not water, per se, but are massive volumes of seemingly useless coaching crap.  ("Seemingly" implies that the "crap" may actually have some use.  But I just put that in there to be nice.  It is actually useless.)

Let us explore this hostile environment.  Don your pith helmet. Cue the Indiana Jones music. Follow me....

Item 1: The Beer Bottle Cap

This artifact can befound EVERYWHERE:  In the couch, on the kitchen counter, on the kitchen table, on the kitchen floor, in my laundry!  Everywhere.  Some are bent in half into the shape of a (gasp!) football.  It is like beer caps and football were made for each other...

But seriously, they are everywhere.  Since they are in the shape of a football, it must be considered blasphemous to throw them in the garbage like a normal person would.

They do have their scientific merit, however.  It is a very complex mathematical formula, but it goes something like this:

# OF BEER BOTTLE CAPS FOUND PER DAY = # OF GAMES LOST SO FAR THAT SEASON

(i.e. Numbers are inversely proportional to wins.)

Item 2: Film and Film Cases

My Lord, these are everywhere.  Film from 6 years ago.  Film cases with no film in them.  Film cases with film in them that doesn't match the label on the outside of them.  Film from two teams we don't even play against.

Warning:  Do Not Discard!  Or risk bringing down the collective wrath of every football god and your husband.

Item 3: Clipboards from Football Clinics from back when they still wore leather helmets.

I don't know who in tarnation Duffy Daugherty is, but his damn clipboard is in my pajama drawer, because that is where my husband left it.

Item 4: Napkins, paper, mail, papyrus, onion skin, clothing with plays drawn up on them.

This has been discussed ad nauseum in a previous post, but suffice it to say these should be treated like a Ming Vase.  Do not damage.  Do not discard.  If you actually need the document upon which the plays are drawn, that is tough.  The document has been procured in the interest of the football team.  It no longer belongs to you.

Item 5:  Broken Uniform Parts

These, to be fair, seldom make it into the house, but are usually found inside the vehicle of a coach.  There are thigh pads without a mate, unsnapped helmet pads, pieces of shoulder pads, maxi pads.  (Just seeing if you were paying attention.)  Anyways, it is important to note that NONE of these will probably make it back to the equipment shed, nor will they find their mate and see any playing time.  It is just that the coach can't let them go.  Kind of like your blankie when you turn 18 and leave for college.  Or a goldfish.  It's time to let them go, honey.

Item 6: Bling from kids

"Coach, will you hold this for me?"  is asked a thousand times by kids running to the sidelines realizing that they can't compete in a contact sport with 6 carats of diamonds in their ear and a Fossil watch.  So, the coach gets to hold it.  I find more bling in his pockets and in my laundry than most jewelers have in their inventory.

Item 7: Clothing from Assistant Coaches

During a football season, Assistant Coaches become a Coach's second family.  They spend more time together than they do with their own families.  They share more meals together.  They share their deepest thoughts and dreams ("If only we had an offensive line!"  Someday.  Someday.")  They share clothing.  Yes.  Clothing. 

As I do laundry, I come across articles of clothing that I've never seen before.  Upon further investigation, I find that the sweatpants actually belong to the Defensive Coordinator and were borrowed in a moment of dire need:  "All mine were dirty and I needed to get to practice!"

I then utter a fervent prayer:  "Dear God, please let 'sweatpants' be the most intimate article of clothing that has been borrowed.  Amen."

.........

Here ends our basic Male-eontological Introduction.  Be careful and responsible with your new skill.  You never know what you may dig up......