Saturday, November 21, 2009

It's Official.

In retrospect, this should have been the topic of my very first post:


Why? Because everybody knows that losses are the sole fault of the officials. And ergo the anguish that every coach's wife endures is directly the responsibilty of the refs.

It doesn't matter that we have less than 6 ounces TOTAL of athletic talent dispersed throughout the genes of our players.

It is of little consequence that our linemen and quarterback cannot agree upon a snap count.

Nor does it affect the outcome that we have committed enough turnovers to open a pastry shop.


It's the refs.

In that vein, I would like to educate you in the nuances of Referee Signals. For the sake of simplicity, referees have "signals" to infer the terrible transgressions of our team. Because saying it out loud would just hurt too much. But here is what you didn't know: All Referee Signals have a corresponding Coach's Wife Signal!! It's true!! Here! I will show you:

Referee Signal: Clipping

Coach's Wife Signal: I have been sitting on these stupid aluminum bleachers for about 4 hours with 3 kids and my butt is killing me and we are out of hot chocolate.

Referee Signal: Ineligible Receiver Down Field
Coach's Wife Signal: I have a headache because you just spent 15 minutes on the phone with a parent that wanted to know if her son needed shoes to play football.

Referee Signal: Offside
Coach's Wife Signal: (Standing In Open Doorway At 2 AM) Um, it was a HOME game, dear. Which got over 4 hours ago.

Referee Signal: Illegal Use Of Hands
Coach's Wife Signal: (Still Standing In Open Doorway at 2:01 AM) Don't even think about it.

Referee Signal: Loss of Down
Coach's Wife Signal: I just divided how much you make per season by the hours you are gone. I am going to lay down for a while. I am light headed and feel like throwing up.

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