Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Coaches Do It In Their Shorts.

Coaching Attire.
It is the 9th wonder of the world. It is the gaudiest, brightest, polyester-est creation in the whole world. It isn't just plain "orange." Nooo. It is "Fire Burst Pumpkin" or some such ridiculous JCrew-ish color.
But, I digress. Color will be the focus of a later post.
Today. I want to talk about Shape Of Coach VERSUS Garment.
Let's start with Shape Of Coach:

This is the classic coach shape. Go to ANY Football Coaches Clinic and you will have a difficult time proving me wrong. Chubby. Peri-diabetic. Cocky. Out of breath. Starts sentences with: "I tell you wut..." Belt: 32" Actual waist: 48". Man Breasts. Logo on chest.
Go ahead...do an internet search for images of high school football coaches. I dare you. I'll wait.....

Here's what I got:

AWESOME! Isn't it? I dare you!
Now, lets address the Garment. My favorite coaching garment, and seriously, it is the coaching standard in garments, is the Bike Coaching Short.
No. I don't mean these: (THANK GOD!)

I mean THESE:
Really? Yes, Really.

Is one snap enough? Nope. There are two.

Is a one-inch waistband enough? Nope. Make it 3 inches. (Holds in 48" waist.)

Is it loose for comfort? Naw. Tight is Better!

That BIKE company is so coach-savvy! What a pioneer in the field of Coaching Garmenteering.

Other companies try:

But true awesomeness is often attempted but never acheived. Perhaps these BIKE coaches shorts are actually a way to defeat opponents.....

As Po from Kung Fu Panda says:

"It is said that his enemies would go blind from over-exposure to pure awesomeness!"

Oh. My. God. He even LOOKS like a football coach!

Are those BIKE shorts?

Pure Awesomeness!

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